I used to live in a pretty stone cottage on a gorgeous stretch of Lake Ontario, in Millhaven, near Kingston. Irene and I found the property by accident, while visiting our kids and grands. We drove by, saw the sign, called an agent, saw it the next day, and decided to buy it within fifteen minutes. The cost stretched us, but we lived by faith.
Why was it so appealing? Ultimately, the water. The house overlooked an expanse of Lake Ontario, with Amherst Island just about three kilometers away. As we watched, a ferry chugged from a dock near the house to the tiny village of Stella, across the way. Our patio sat about ten feet above the shoreline with only a well-kept British flower garden between us and the edge.
But the water. At every turn of day, every season, it was as beguiling and changeable as a first love. I’m not much of a poet, so words will fail me here. But Irene and I were entranced by the sun’s reflection on tiny wavelets in the morning, the sun rising over the fog, people sailing by on paddle boards, and an endless procession of water fowl, including kingfishers, loons, and even bald eagles. Huge waves crashed against the shore at unpredictable times. In the winter, sometimes, we’d see coyotes or deer out on the ice, playing deadly games of tag. In spring, ice floated by the house and piled up on our thin beach. In summer we watched the kids fish or, when they tired of not catching much, jump into the water for a swim. In the fall we noted the lake level fall, the traffic thin, and finally the dock had to be taken out for the season, because otherwise the ice would certainly crush it. We stood by the window, or on the cliff edge, and watched, sometimes, for what seemed hours.
We did this for the first two years, though by the end of the second, I realized I was watching the water less and less. By the end of the third, watching the water was something done on rising and turning in, with a few glances in between. By the end of the fourth year, I was wondering if the view was worth the long drive into town, the high property taxes, and the exorbitant upkeep costs of the property. I was watching the water for just a few minutes, maybe half an hour a day. I could have walked to the park for that kind of uplift. My experience of fascination and joy with the water sort of just slipped away. The faith it had taken to buy the cottage was outrun by the ongoing experience of living there.
I also live with my loss of faith.
There are arguments for the belief in God and for atheism. Because of my career as a Christian minister, I've studied them all. There are novels about the loss of faith too. I’ve made a habit of seeking them out. My favorites include The Brothers Karamazov, Slouching Towards Kalamazoo, and The Damnation of Theron Ware. But what each of these books illustrates, and what I have learned, is that as much as arguments for the existence of God are dense and scholarly, they do not decide the case. Belief—or unbelief—is finally very personal, an intuition, not something that can be argued into or out of. The decision is situated in personal experience, a lived life, hopes and dreams and community.
I don’t mean that faith is irrational. It can be plausible. But in the end—whether for faith or not—there is a leap. Unlike theories of gravity or evolution, the theory that there is or isn’t a God cannot easily be decided by the evidence.
In my case, faith that began as belonging and education, and turned into a satisfying career, is gone. Like the lake, much of it was lovely. But since I’ve chosen not to believe as of old, I carry on.
I carry on.


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